第一片叶子

叶子-阿桑

(蔷薇之恋的主题歌,怎么听怎么难过.)

叶子 是不会飞翔的翅膀
翅膀 是落在天上的叶子
天堂 原来应该不是妄想
只是我早已经遗忘
当初怎么开始飞翔

孤单 是一个人的狂欢
狂欢 是一群人的孤单
爱情 原来的开始是陪伴
但我也渐渐地遗忘
当时是怎样有人陪伴

我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你

a cup of warm tea

fyp till 5am. and dreamt of exam. some more the exam is on programming... got symptom of 走火入魔.

watched one disk of 蔷薇之恋 to de-stress. 如果有一天我不见了,会不会有人像葵寻找百合一样找我呢?有一个守护天使应该是件很幸福的事情吧. 如果现实生活中有一个像葵一样的男生,我应该对他完全没有抵抗力吧. 好奇怪,看偶像剧总是比较喜欢第二男主角.

went to IMM with lazy and blur in the afternoon. came back with a heavy load. the stuff at the $2 shop are just all so nice! esp the metal boxes and the janpanese tableware. bought a teapot and two tea cups. one of the cup got two little cut crabs drawn on it. i like the other one more, like the feeling of holding it in my hand. it reminds me of the movie 'cha no aji' (taste of tea). inside the show, each family member got a different tea cup and they always sit down outside the house drinking tea while listening to the sound of nature. a cup of warm tea, might be just what we need in a day of distress.

能不能就让我当一只小鸵鸟吧,把头埋在沙子里.虽然有点笨,但是很多事情,都会比较容易面对一些.

happiness

started on fyp again. haven't touched it for more than two weeks already now it's not that easy to find that thread back. for the past two weeks it's all been report writing. comp vision2, dsp1, dsp2, fuzzy2, digi comm2... next week there is HR presentation on tue, digi comm test on wed and meeting sup on some day probably wed as well. i dunno wat i would show him since it seems like my progress will be slow. but seems like it is inevitable that i have to tell him i m going to take a break from fyp for exam. to think about it, i haven't really got a block of long period that i have been doing fyp. in the beginning it was just trying to understand, then after one week of hardwork, it's back to other modules and now soon i will have a break from it again. it's a bit hard to imagine how little i have done for fyp and this sememster is going to finish soon. is time passing too fast or really i m progressing too slow? or rather, there are too many things at hand so time is not enough?

ivan was telling me today how we used to study together in yr1 sem1 and wondered how we would last ourselves through the remaining 7 sems. now soon there will be only 1 left and i dun have much of a recollection of what happened in the past 6. things just flew away like little birds in the sky leaving not a trace. probably what we do every day is just so insignificant it doesn't leave an impression. there is not much difference between this sem and that.

our yr4 is definitely buried under piles of work. hmm... using 'piles' is not accurate coz it's all so digitized now. staring at computer screen 24/7. there hasn't been a time in my whole life that i m so reliable on this machine. if it's gone, i will be gone too. the funny thing is that even though one sem is going to be over soon, i got the feeling that i haven't touched much on anything. not the modules (haven't studied a little little bit for the coming digi comm test and he's testing us on 7 out of 9 chapters! the HR reading that is so thick, i touched it only twice.), not fyp, not anything. but no doubt i m busy. wrote 8 reports, plus a log book lab session. tried to pick up c++ and did a lot of debugging... or is the semester getting shorter? sch started on 11th aug, till now it's just 2 months plus. school is cheating us money!

ivan and bingjie were both saying they can't wait to get out of school. but what would happen then? people say they just want to always find happiness. but which little corner in this vast world is happiness hiding in? school doesn't provide us happiness? does working life? how about marriage? it just all seem so bleak to me now. maybe i m just such a pessimistic person. but to say that 'if i do/become... i will be happy.' just seems too much of an illusion.

once a friend told me he wishes life is like in the movie. i told him if that was true, he would die very soon because all his life will be condensed to that 2 hrs show. the reason why lives in tv programme and movie seem fantastic is because it's condensed. all the trivial daily things are truncated. what left with the audience, is the condensed essence of living, the after taste of watching other people's lives. my happiness, will be like in 'amelie', in 'taste of tea', where life can be so simple and full of delight. but that just exist in movie doesn't it? they don't have to worry about CAP, about employment, about salary and performance...

back to reality, back to FYP...

会着急,常常是因为想得比说得快.

raybert 'o' show

today rehearsed for our HR presentation skit. i m the bitchy bimbotic marketing manager. they commented that i m natural for that role... diao... what does that supposed to mean mah...

yesterday had raymond big videoed for our starting part. he's offering cameo appearance as our janpanese boss raybert 'o' kiyosakong. we made paper moustache (jap style) and colourful tie (the paper is not long enough so only half of it) for it and sticked on with double sided tape. wow raymond is such a natural! only took a few takes to get it all right. some more looking so serious in front of the camera while qinghui, guofeng, ivan, enzhong and me were laughing until doubled up. he really should go into entertainment industry man...

the way you look tonight

wooo... big band tonight at singapore idol. my favourite type of jazz! smooth, sultry, powerful, sophsticated... wat's more, you can dance to it! if the singer and the band is good, a lot of impromptu scat singing will be fantastic!

the performers generally lack in depth. but of course can't expect them to compare with ella Fitzgerald and dee dee bridgewater. olinda has got into the habit of flashing her cleavage but surprisingly she did sing very well. haha and i tot sylvester sounded better for this type of music than his favourite rock n roll. as a rock fan i truly doubt his rock is rock enough.

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.
Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Just the way you look to-night.

When tragedy happens

(now blogger page can finally load)

When tragedy happens, it almost always has a catastrophic effect. Or rather, the bad mood and emotional upheaval can really wreck someone. All minor misfortunes are magnified and all little mistakes just seem so horrible. Not only I lost a family member, I also got gastric pain, got soaked in heavy rain, saw timetable wrongly and missed lecture, and experiencing pimple outbreak as well as a terrible complexion completed with goldfish eyes from too much of crying. Even blogger page also refuses to load. Latest discovery is that my plant which I put outside the pantry window is thrown away by dunno who. It’s just so small only, haven’t been given a chance to grow up… and I just bought fertilizers hoping it would grow faster…

The most terrible thing in this world is not grief. More terribly is while you are grieving life has to go on as per normal. The world doesn’t wait for you. FYP has to be done, digital comms lab has to be done, HR presentation has to be done, tests and exams will come and profs will still want you to report the progress and CA2 will still come. You still have to deal with all those people out there and humor their ‘how are you? Are you ok?’ with weak and fake smiles. No I m not ok, but how many people will seriously care? Suppressed pain will turn into prolonged depression. And depression, is a feeling of suffocation, leaves you gasping for air, leaves you with the feeling that nothing is right.

a call from beijing

received a call from my dad at 7.06pm, telling my that my father side grandpa passed away on friday night.

maybe there is really somthing psychic about it, no wonder these days i kept dreaming about my family and having the feeling something is happening there. just i kept forgetting to call. my mother also say my dad's heart was feeling weak on that particular night. what they say blood is thicker than water, now i know it really is true.

i m not very close to my grandpa, but after hearing the news, just can't stop crying. i also dunno why exactly. i don't miss him that much. he had been a man of very few words and never showed me much affection. but i just felt this enormous sadness that made me cry and cry.

in the past 7 yrs he'd been suffering from various disease including kidney failure, parkinson, stomach disease, heart disease, stroke, and recently discovered diabetes. his death didn't quite catch us by surprise, like my grandma's one did. grandma passed away 3 months and 1 week ago. she'd been taking care of my grandpa for soooo many yrs that he was totally dependent on her. it's not surprising that he wouldn't last long without her. the doctor said his organs all deteriorated. the illness had eaten him up. the physical and emotional suffering is probably too much and it might really be a relief for him now.

3 months ago i encountered the first loss of a close relative, and now so soon the second one. it might be a good thing that i m not home. coz i dunno how to face death yet. it puts a veil on everybody nearby and the veil is so heavy everything just lost its colour. my parents had done all the necessary things and never call me to go back, coz they think i m busy with my work here and quite no point for me to go back. but afterall, my grandpa is someone whose surname i carry...

gastric pain today

i m not ill treating my stomach. why does it have to remind me of its existence in such a vigorous manner?

Amore and html code

hehe careful browers may notice e interface of my blog has changed. played with html code for 1 plus hrs. it's actually quite fun. now i merged two designs together. and see my mood for the day up there? it's cute!

went to amore cineleisure with lazy today. NB class by Chris. it's basically a toning class with very little cardio training. mostly it's weight and abs training and squeezing your butt. there is this gal who went there will full make up and a hair do that no single strand is out of place. and what she does is more like posing around instead of exercising. i very much like to ask her why would she wanna waste so much money in joining. but the thing i want to do most, is to hit on her arms and legs with a cane like the strict coaches in the old times do. *piak* 'higher!' *piak* 'keep your body straight!' *piak piak piak* haha... no i m not sadist, i just have very little patience for this kinda ppl-ppl who dun want to put in effort. ya, i m not cut for a teacher.

人不能总是活在现在

new hair cut and nice dinner

yeah cut my hair! it's quite short though. but fresh!

cooked very nice dinner. kang kong stir fried with garlic. tiger prawns fried till red then add in ginger and spring oion to stir fry, after that add water, dark soya sauce, salt, sugar and liao4 jiu3 to simmer. the prawn dish got a lot of sauce so i added to noodle. yum yum! taste very nice! my mother's recipe. heehee

lost spoons found and more on tableware

went to cook some scrambled egg for lunch and realised somebody used my utensils again. my pan is upside down and the new spoon i bought is MIA?!?! second spoon stealing case? kau this person must have spoon fetish or sth lidat... totally freak. went to complaint to resident assistant and she say she saw a spoon that looks like mine somewhere and found it out for me from a corner of the pentry. apparently my new spoon is just beside. why can't the person just go and buy her own utensils??? the thought of some stranger using my cooking ware makes my stomach sick.

recently there is a new shop open at citilink, selling nicely designed tableware. one set of bowls of around 4 can cost you above 60 bucks. my last time pgp neighbour venonica is doing part time there. but the stuff is really beautiful, got very colourful paintings and interesting patterns. they got bowls, plates, beer mugs, espresso shot cups... a variety of stuff. promised blur when she gets married i'll buy her a set. (keep fingers crossed she only gets married when i got the money).

when i was younger, nv paid attention to tableware. just give me a bowl that i can eat can already. however as i grow older, i enjoy cooking more and of course start to want a nice set of tableware. probably it's just every gal's dream to have a beautifully decorated house with a set of beautiful tableware. european, or japanese, or chinese, or post modern... be a good host for afternoon tea and parties... haha is it some instincts kinda thing? i believe guys wouldn't quite appreciate that. but a nice set of cooking ware really does make you enjoy the cooking process more. who wanna use a dirty rusty sauce pan to cook delicacies? same as tableware. a nice set of tableware just make your appetite better.

hmm my ideal tableware... must be made of china, with nice paintings... but the spoons and forks i prefer european style... and a set of 紫砂茶具 is a must. coz chinese tea made with that truly taste different.

忽然之间很想家

it's so rare to feel cold in singapore. been raining for a few days. and it began to feel like the starting of autumn.

dreamt that i m sharing an apartment with a few friends and my parents came over to visit. dreamt that my mother cooked nice food for me. and dreamt of the cousin who always bully me when we were kids. it's time to call home.

hmm... i rem when i went to bed last night i put the blinds down but when i woke up today it's halfway up. did i sleep walk or sth?

sign when u post comment k?

to reply the anonymous dunno who that posted a comment there. a compact powder is a kinda make up product. basically the powder gals put on their faces. it's nicely pressed therefore compact. once it's broken it's no longer smooth and it will affect the ease of usage.

and ppl ah... when u post comments as anonymous can sign off who u are or not? so that i know who that is mah.

forever 21

went out shopping with lazy and blur. ya orchard again. seems like there are only these few places to go in singapore. a new shop called forever 21 is open at wisma atria. there are balloons and flowers outside the shop and the crowd inside is horrible. the clothes there are not bad except that the bottoms all seem to be very big in size and the display of the clothes is a huuuuuge mess. hmm somehow it's a good place for ppl watching. saw quite a few chio bus inside the shop. haha... in the end bought a black and floral halter neck and a blue t shirt.

next stop was taka. and i instinctively went to check out the utensils. keke... but there is no nice spoons leh... the japanese tableware are fantastic! big and heavy and beautiful! i wan a big bowl to eat noodle! the kind that is big and heavy enough. v satisfying to hold in the hands. hehe blur is another tableware fan. she say wan a coffee machine in her future house. but think i shall save the money and check out big bowls in either 2 dollar shop at IMM or chinatown.

had dinner at crystal jade in taka. had to call big ray to ask for direction. ya i know i m hopeless. we ordered one bowl of la mian each, a plate of 上海炒年糕 and 3 南翔生煎包 to share. apparently it's a lot for 3 gals coz the waitress kept asking are we sure we wan so much. she must be thinking we are real pigs. my noodle is quite nice. 排骨拉面. the 排骨 is good and the soup is tasty. the 年糕 is more rubbery than the usual type but i quite like it also. the best is the 生煎包. yum yum!!! not too oily and oily enough to be very 香.

desert was at nydc. mochamisu combo!!! yeah!!! sinful day haha...

rainy day

worked till 3+ in the morning and done with dsp2!!! at least more or less. still got some qns unsure. but heck lah. watched one disk of 蔷薇之恋 to relax. 葵!!!!!

such a cooling weather to sleep.

accident prone clumsy queen in action again

they really should invent shock-proof make-up casing! especially for pressed powders!!! juz smashed my compact on the floor for the second time in about like two weeks time?!?! now it's no longer fine and smooth!!!!!! ahhhh... not cheap lor... i think the refill alone is 40 plus bucks! totally it's at least the 4th time i dropped a compact powder on the floor and smashing it to pieces... ahhhh... eyeshadows 4 as well...

everything around me should be wrapped in bubble wraps...

多说多错,少吃多做.

beh song

hxy just said blur and i are cut for being self-employed. i should open a galery or art studio or sth. the reason why we should be bosses is becoz our faces are too beh song to be other ppl's employees... is that supposed to be an compliment?

in need of control

it's funny that i specialize in control but i can't quite control myself v well. under stress, every trivial thing gets magnified and i blow up or feel sad easily. see even only a spoon can trigger so much emotions in me. and i think some of my friends are having a hard time being around me. i know i m not likable at all these days. totally bitchy. if u are one of them, sincere apologies... really! haiz... i need help for stress management...

stupid dsp lab

ahhh... *pulling hair*
whether it's [0.01 0.01] or [0.0085 0.0085] it doesn't make a difference to the plot at all. same as an increase of filter length... what the hell???

i m hungry... this afternoon played about 3hrs of badminton followed by a short while of table tennis. v tired... at least this is the highlight point of the day. really dun haf much fun these days. hehe but me and small ray finally won 3 matches today. yeah!

stupid me

realised that now my whole design part of dsp lab1 might be wrong... becoz my fren told me the deviation should put [0.01 0.01] instead of [0.0085 0.0085]. that lab i did it until 4am in the morning some time ago and now it's just so frustrating just to think about re-doing it.

of course my friend is not purposely telling me wrong info and i can't fault him for trying to help. but i also can't help feeling an anger that is directed at myself. only if i m smarter and can solver everything on my own, then i wouldn't have to ask other ppl for help. actually i really dun like to ask for help one. worse is followed wrong instruction. can't blame anyone but myself.

these days feel very heated up, agitated... probably i m having an anxiety attack. i hate myself like this but i hate myself more for being not smart enough. feel so defeated. the frustration of can't accomplish things really can eat u up... now i kinda understand why ppl kill themselves becoz of sch stress. coz u feel so helpless, and on top of that so useless...

the worst thing of all, is i also dunno how to do other labs and still need to ask for help... ya that just made me feel even more stupid... sigh...

huaxianzi

»huang jin sheng dou shi

qing tong sheng dou shi

childhood revisited

天马流星拳!庐山升龙霸!星云锁链!
was talking to a friend about cartoons we watched when we were little kids. apparently kids in China and kids in S'pore have quite different catalogue. one common one will be smurf. also called 蓝精灵 in chinese. 在那山的那边海的那边有一群蓝精灵,他们活泼又聪明,他们调皮又灵敏,他们齐心合力开动脑筋战胜了格格巫,他们唱歌跳舞快乐又欢喜.噢,可爱的蓝精灵...
and there is 一休哥.乌鸦呱呱叫,钟声当当响... 提问!回答!一休哥,小叶子,弥生小姐,新右卫门.哈哈...
花仙子和一只猫一只狗一起流浪,还可以看到花就换衣服.是所有女孩子的梦想.还有希瑞公主,"赐给我力量吧!我是希瑞!"
米老鼠和唐老鸭,汤姆和杰瑞不用说了.小学的时候开始迷圣斗士,动画片和漫画都看到完.黄金十二宫里最喜欢处女座的加沙.太帅了!动画片还有冥斗士,海斗士和北斗七星的部分.记得北斗星里有一个弹竖琴的,超帅!*燃烧吧!我的小宇宙!*
大了一点就在star tv 看樱桃小丸子和忍者乱太郎.都是我的最爱!
当然还有机器猫,就是小叮当.还有忍者神龟,黑猫警长,鼹鼠的故事(捷克斯洛伐克的我记得是).还记得鼹鼠开了一辆小汽车,还有它把音符都收集起来做成唱片.
好怀念啊...
看看下面这个link 吧.差不多就是我的童年了.
http://www.6park.com/gz1/messages/16977.html

errr... wat is sp2 doing?

hmm... installed sp2 last nite. but now it's blocking all pop-ups even the useful ones. wat the hell? and after setting it to allow pop ups on this site, all those i typed before was gone?!?! not v user friendly leh... :s

spent the whole afternoon doing digi comm lab2. kinda frustrating. and the standard of dumplings at bizad canteen has dropped. although just e second time i ate it. or maybe it's bcoz the one at arts is too good to be compared to?

oh mine... olinda cho is wearing a super duper low cut black gown?!?! showing half her breast and most of the cleavage... *faint*

spoon MIA

there is at least one reason that i hate community living-ppl steal stuff. and this time it's really too much. my favourite spoon is stolen!!! what kinda person would steal a spoon??? how cheapo can he/she be that he/she must steal ppl's spoons instead of spending like around S$1 to get one from supermarket? and use other ppl's spoons? eeeeks... i just dun understand...

it's not ordinary spoon to me... it's been in my family for 15 yrs to date. nice quality and carving, bought by my dad in soviet union in 1989. i like it's heavy feel in my hand and it's long handle. 15 yrs and still shiny, it's nothing like the ordinary spoons u find in supermarket, flimsy and looking cheap. guess even if i make a trip to Russia now, i won't be able to find sth lidat again. sigh... with all my vicious power, i curse the person who took it! he/she will have ulcers every time he/she uses it and he/she will have constipation for the rest of his/her life!

somehow it seems it's purposely taken. coz i kept it in the cupboard that is higher than even my head. on sunday i realised someone has shifted my things around but i didn't pay much attention. only till today when i need the spoon did i realise it's gone, for a simple reason that it's too high for me to see usually. if the person just needs to use a spoon, there are so many lying around in the pentry, why must he/she take the trouble of opening the cupboard, searching through my stuff, shifting it around then taking the spoon? i just don't understand...

sulky for the entire afternoon and got no mood to listen to the lecturer at all. needed a big plate of 'the meatball that ate manhattan' and a slice of big O plus a slice of goldmine to cheer me up (dun mistaken i din finish so much food on my own). but now sitting here i m missing my beautiful spoon again... 15 yrs......

lazy says if she sees any spoon that's very nice she'll get one for me and i must keep it for 15yrs... haiz... but still it's different from the one i lost... russia-china-singapore... the spoon has travelled half of the world.

spoon spoon spoon...

alice and mr rabbit

second one

ok, this is the formal one... i dunno since when did i start to keep talking to myself. basically it's going on 24/7. if i dun write sth down sooner or later i will go mad. this probably explains why i always need more sleep than some of my friends do and still fall asleep in lessons. my brain is just over-active. tiresome man...

hmm alice fell into rabbit hole... then she went to the wonderland didn't she? of course and she played some stupid games with the queen of spade who likes to chop ppl's heads off. and ate some poisonous mushroom, talked to brother wormie... afterall it is an interesting story.

i am not in wonderland yet of course... except for maybe when i m asleep. but who knows? it's always good to look down when u walk in search for the rabbit holes then maybe one day u might find the entrace.

first one

test test...